The following is the transcript of an intercepted cell phone conversation. We were unable to verify the full identities of the conversants and cannot testify to the veracity of the statements made (mostly because we made them up).
Man with English Accent #1: Hello?
Man with English Accent #2: Stephen! It’s me, Damon! How’s it, chap?
#1: Oh, good. You know, keeping busy.
#2: Yeah? Too busy?
#1: What do you mean?
#2: Well, the boys and I were kicking around some songs and were wondering if you might be able to help us? Whaddya say? For old times sake?
#1: Well, I’d love to…for old times’ sake. I did help with your first five albums you know, before “Song 2” got your heads all big and then you cheated on me with that William Orbit….sorry, still a little bitter I suppose.
#2: Heh. Yeah. Sorry `bout that. No hard feelings, eh?
#1: No. I suppose not.
#2: Good. Ok, so here’s what I was thinking. I want this next album to be fantastic. Just utterly fantastic, know wot I mean? I want some of the songs to be like the songs on Blur, definitely pop-driven, but catchy as all get out.
#1: Huh. That’s funny. The last album that I produced was like that.
#2: Cool. But pay attention, alright? I want other songs to be sort of straight forward punk, but not sloppy, really short and tight punk riffs.
#1: Uh-huh. The last album I produced had those too.
#2: Ok, whatever. I want the album to also be a product of our influences. The Beatles, the Who, Velvet Underground, and maybe some American surf music. And I want you to capture my voice perfectly; I want it to be the best I’ve ever sung. And polished too, the whole thing has to be glossy front to back, we’ll compete with those Franz Ferdinand wankers yet!
#1: Yeah…ya know what? I’m gonna have to pass. I pretty much already produced the album you’re talking about. I’d rather not duplicate myself.
#2: What the hell are you talking about? Don’t be a git! I’m offering you a chance to produce our next record. We’re huge! And we’re going to prove to the world with this album that we don’t need Graham Coxon!
#1: Hmph. That’s what he said.
#2: Oh? How is he?
#1: Good! In fact, great! He’s spent some quality time with his daughter and written some songs and everything’s going swimmingly for him.
#2: Yeah? Well, that’s great. Good for him…what do you mean that’s what he said?
#1: He said he was going to prove that he didn’t need Blur.
#2: Pfff. Yeah! That’ll be the day!
#1: No. Seriously. He has this song called “Spectacular.” Bleepin’ brilliant, mate. His guitar work has never been better. And man can he sing! Better than he has on any of his previous solo albums.
#1: Yeah, in fact at times he sounds like you, but edgier, ya know?
#2: Go on.
#1: Well, he has this other song called “Bittersweet Bundle of Misery”. It’s kind of reminiscent of “Coffee and TV”, but better. I was really impressed, man. You should really hear it.
#2: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to give him a ring.
#1: Well, you should. Oh, and there’s this other song he has called “Freakin’ Out.” Talk about being blown away. Rivals all of the post-punk stuff out there now. A true mix of the seventies punk sound with modern pop. One of the best songs I’ve heard in a while.
#2: Well, for fuck’s sake then Stephen, why don’t you just produce Graham’s album if you love the shite so much? You talk about it as if it’s the best thing you’ve heard since you produced Strangeways!
#1: Um. I did. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
#2: I see. Well, ta then!
#1: (Under breath) Pfff. Bloody wanker. How’s Justine then?
#1: Oh, nothing. I thought you’d hung up.
#2: No, right here! What’d you say?
#1: I said, Happiness in Magazines, that’s the name of Graham’s album.
#2: Oh, okay. Well, maybe I’ll give ol’ Coxy a call then and ask him to rejoin.
#1: Yeah, good luck.
#1: I said tut, tut! Cheerio, then!
#2: Yeah, cheers.
(End of conversation)
Velvet Underground- Loaded
Split Enz- History Never Repeats