A Northern Chorus : Bitter Hands Resign
Hi-Life Aural Therapy Infomercial Script – First Draft
(A dried out fuzzy image of people getting frustrated by the most menial tasks, i.e. getting little slivers of butter off of the frozen stick to put on a piece of Italian Bread)
THE VOICE: Do you feel like you’re going to explode?
(Butter Woman can’t cut it and finally loses herself, furiously dices the bread in Jack the Ripper fashion, grabs the stick of butter and munches down on it like a carrot.)
Is stress getting you down, and up, and out, and thousands of other directions that haven’t been thought of yet?
(A window. Dog is thrown through it.)
Have you been told to “mellow out”?
(A man, haggard from a hard days work opens the front door of his suburban house. His wife leans in to kiss him and he puckers her lips with a punch in the face)
If so, then come to Hi-Life!
(A shimmer of light wipes over the scene of the man and his wife, saturating them with color. Man looks at camera, smiles. Wife lifts her beaten head up and shows her broken smile)
Our patented method of aural therapy allows for your own body to calm itself down. Our process of selecting only the most sedating songs in the market allows for our patients to lose the worries that come with shopping in the record store, and lets them just relax as the serene tunes undulate into their ears, calming their mind, and thusly, their body.
(Gradual downward crane shot of BOZZO walking and eventually resting on a chair oddly placed in an empty studio apartment)
BOZZO: Hello, my name is Paul Bozzo. Today, I’m going to introduce to you a band that by no means is a rookie to the business.
(Cut to the left. BOZZO looks left.)
With Bitter Hands Resign, A Northern Chorus have blessed us with their third full-length album.With no sign of stopping in sight, going on the fourth tour of their career, A Northern Chorus has gotten to an album that stands as a testament to their forever self-improving nature.
(Cut right. BOZZO follows)
Their last album, Spirit Flags, seemed more sporadic and less coordinated. Bitter Hands Resign, on the other hand, has one definite sound that takes its time and lets moments and notes grow out of it instead of forcing music out of their instruments.
(Cut to bird’s eye view.)
Umm, okay.
(BOZZO looks up.)
Because of this, it provides a great soundtrack for Hi-Life’s stress reducing form of aural therapy.
(Cut to a woman looking slightly left of the camera)
BUTTER WOMAN: Last week I was always on edge. With so many things going on in my life, I just couldn’t take a simple stick of butter standing in my way. Eventually something went a little awry. Next thing I knew, I had gorged myself with twenty sticks of butter.
(Cut to a man and woman with a bandaged face looking slightly right of camera.)
MAN: A brutal day at work.
WOMAN
(Muffled under bandages.)
MAN: I had to take it out on someone.
WOMAN
(Muffled under bandages.)
MAN: She was the closest one.
WOMAN
(Muffled under bandages.)
MAN: Sorry, Honey.
(Cut to a dog looking slightly left of camera.)
DOG: Aarf!
BOZZO: As these people have just said, they were stressed out. Their health and interpersonal relationships were threatened. They came to Hi-Life. With such extreme cases, we gave them a healthy dose of A Northern Chorus for a few days.
(Cut to the left. BOZZO follows)
We start with the light instrumental “Watershed Divide” to get them grounded, providing a base for the rest of treatment. The next track we select for them is “Don’t Think of Collapse.” The slow methodic pace from the start of the song allows for the mind to reach a docile state and slowly build confidence as the song’s pace does. The lyrics continuous and steady rate amplify the atmospheric and guitar, drum timbres, and cello effects of sedation.
(Cut to the right. BOZZO follows)
“Subject & Matter” has a slightly quicker rhythm, allowing the patients to move up a step and re-compose themselves, as soon they are about to end treatment. Lastly, “Prisoners of Circumstance” takes all of the same instruments used in previous tracks, but morphs from the somber feel of the previous songs into a more optimistic melody. This change in the music reflects the change in the patients as they realize that they themselves can have a more optimistic outlook as well. We tell them to keep the track’s title in mind, constantly reminding them that they too are only “Prisoners of Circumstance.”
(Cut downwards.)
Stop moving please.
(Pan upwards, actually focusing on his face)
Thank you. Now, you’ve seen the before pictures of our three sample patients. Now see what Hi-Life’s patented Aural Therapy did for them.
(Cut to a woman looking slightly left of camera)
BUTTER WOMAN: I couldn’t believe it. I had control again. I took up martial arts to lose the weight I had gained from all of that butter. I was so calm and collected I could slice butter at subzero temperatures with a swift karate chop.
(Cut to a man and his wife looking slightly right of camera)
WIFE:Woo-Hoo!
(Cut to a dog, looking slightly left of camera)
DOG:Aarf!
BOZZO:With such satisfied customers, what more can you ask for. Call Today!
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