Yeah, we’re really reviewing this. We’re just Christian martyrs, we know. We may also be a bunch of IRAFs* but hey, Britney’s people, too. Wait, what was it: `SHE’S A HUMAN BEING!!!!’ Thank you, slobbery YouTube creature. Britney Spears has made a record. It’s called Blackout which is like, the best title ever, innit? Blackout being pretty much the most consistent state Britney finds herself in, if the tabloids are to be believed, and they so are! Britney didn’t bother to promote Blackout—it probably slipped her mind, what’s left of it, or maybe it’s because even she knows it’s terrible. Oh, did I ruin it for you? Dammit.
You might as well know I’m not just stirring shit up or being a real reactionary, I was all set to give this record mad props, as they say (or said), if it earned them at all. Which it didn’t, not even with two of my friends and I dancing to it in separate rooms, unbeknownst to each other. We congregated in the bathroom to compare notes. We agreed that we danced, alright. Among the comments were the following: `hey, wasn’t that one a Ciara remix?’ and `why doesn’t she work with better people?’ Mind you, the dancing was pretty much all on the first track, “Gimme More” which is pretty serviceable on that score—no `Toxic’, to be sure, but then `Toxic’ was no “Oops I Did It Again,” still Britney’s apex, if you ask me (remember, dear reader, at this point you ARE asking me).
Britney, as you probably know, was the first female artist to have three straight No. 1 albums: she kissed Madonna at the 2003 VMA’s in the one of the most surreal, head-blowing moments in pop culture history; she had and still has one of the weirdest voices ever, at least at its most manipulated, somewhere between Korean porn and the ravages of emphysema. She was also wicked hot at one point. Hard to believe, I know. Now she looks like Jeana on Real Housewives Of Orange County.
Back to “Gimme More”: it’s extra-awesome for rhyming with Demi Moore. Back to apexes, it’s that for Blackout. Pop albums are allowed to peak early, but this is ridiculous—you could argue that Blackout bests itself with `Britney, bitch’ which is what, like five seconds of halcyon time? The next song is “Piece Of Me” which is about Britney’s mishandling by pretty much everyone. There’s also a song called “On My Radar” only I could swear she’s saying `operator’. Sadly, there’s no “Cry Me A River” for K-Fed. I suppose I could have made this review a breakdown, pardon the punnery, of Britney’s long fall but I don’t feel that strongly about it. I’ll simply quote the late Michael Kelly—”nothing exceeds like excess”—and be done with it.
*Indie Rock Art Fag
Belinda Carlisle — Runaway Horses
Kelis — Tasty
Madonna — American Life