Morrissey : Ringleader of the Tormentors

When last we visited the Venerable Society of Art Rock, they had not yet formed their art rock school. Since that time, David Bowie, now Professor Bowie, if you please, the headmaster, has not only created a school, Mugwumps, but also has seen it flourish. Recent graduates of Mugwumps such as Patrick Wolf and the Arctic Monkeys have had much success thanks to the teachings of all of the great art rocker professors in residence. Professor Albarn has taken to teaching “How to Not Lose Your Thick British Accent When Singing” while Professor Cocker imparts knowledge on “How to Avoid the Sun.” When Professor Yorke is seen, he can be found teaching “Defense Against Common Objects in the Big Bad World.” Professor Smith is in charge of, quite succinctly, “Hair & Makeup for the Rock Star.” Recently, however, grim tidings have reached their way to Mugwumps. News of a former Mugwumps professor who went missing and has since sought revenge against those at the core of the society who wronged him have reached the ears of the esteemed headmaster, and he is quite concerned.

Look now as Professor Bowie has called in a young bespectacled student into his office, portraits of the professor’s various looks and eras adorning the walls behind him. “What’s the matter, Professor? Why pull me out of visiting Professor Pop’s class? We were just learning about something called `heroin chic,'” asked the lad. “Well, Harvey, there are omens are portents about. I am quite worried about your safety Mr. Porter, quite worried indeed.”

“Sir, I’m not Har..”

“Very worried indeed, Harvey. You see, I have in my possession a message, sent from someone who used to be part of our Venerable Society, someone who I underestimated.”

“But sir, I’m not Harvey Por…”

“This message, I believe, has been meant for your ears, for the prophecy states that only you alone can decipher it. Do you see the image on the message, Harvey?”

“Yes, professor, it looks like Morr…”

“Bup-bup-bup!! No! You must never utter his name aloud, Harvey. Remember that! It gives him more power! His ego swells to the size of the pants I wore in the early seventies, you know, the ones with the flares out to next Tuesday? If you must refer to him at all, refer to him as `He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Happy.'”

The headmaster begins to play the message for the young boy, hoping to glean information into the traitor’s deep, dark twisted mind. As the message begins to play, his eyes widen. “Do you hear that, boy? This first part of the message is called ‘I Will See You in Far Off Places.’ If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that my old colleague Visconti is now in league with the dastard! Do you remember my stories about T. Rex?”

“The dinosaur, professor?”

“No, you fool! Not the dinosaur, the glam god! What kind of school do you think this is? Now then, it appears indeed that Visconti is aiding the rogue. Yes, Matt Chamberlain’s drums simply resonate throughout, not to mention that it sounds as if his old mates, Boz Boorer and Alain Whyte are still in tow. Do you hear what he’s saying, boy? He says `One day my eyes will forever close.‘ That must be a clue!”

“I thought you said I was the only one who…”

“Shh! I’m concentrating. This next part of the message, ‘Dear God Please Help Me,’ contains ideas I’ve long expected about the man I had come to know, but he has never said out loud. Do you hear when he says, `I’m so very tired of doing the right thing?‘ Oh my goodness, did you hear that? He just said, ‘I have explosive kegs between my legs.‘ I feared he wasn’t celibate any more and now it appears to be true. Now this part, `You Have Killed Me,’ appears to be part of the prophecy. He must be talking about you, Harvey.”

“I keep telling you, professor, I’m not Ha…”

“Quiet boy! I’m trying to save your life! Show some respect! Ten points from Headonthedor. Don’t make me give you detention on top of it all. ‘There is no such thing in life as normal.‘ Quite a statement from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Happy. Oh, and listen to that! Children on ‘The Youngest Will Be Most Loved!’ He must have a school he’s started on his own. And those ‘ya-da-da’s’ sound like he’s in the fittest form since The Queen is Dead! We must be quite careful, Harvey. This is a man who I have wronged. I dismissed him once; it would be best we not underestimate his power! It’s reported that he has a horde of followers including a group of sunken cheeked young men wearing something called `Abercrombie & Fitch,’ a bunch of young Hispanic boys, and a vegetarian cadre. He has complete power over them. There’s no way to break his thrall. We must find a way to defeat him! What’s this now? `Life is a Pigsty,’ eh? This is quite good. The sound of the rain and thunder is a nice touch. No! I must resist his power! I thought we had nothing to fear from him any longer! How wrong I was, Harvey, how very wrong I was. The rest of the message continues in much this manner. He’s definitely learned a lot in his time with the Society. He’s quite crafty, Harvey. Every bit of this message is meant as an announcement to the world of his status, and it is not to be taken lightly. We must face facts, Harvey. Morrissey is back and stronger than ever!”

“But professor, I thought you said we should never say his name.”

“Silly child! I said YOU must never say his name. I can say Morrissey’s name any time I please. Morrissey, Morrissey, Morrissey! You see, Harvey?”

“But sir, I keep telling you, I’m not Harvey!”

“Then who the hell are you?”

“I’m Nigel. Harvey went off with some kid named Ron for falafel and to see Brokeback Mountain.”

“…Then I fear it’s too late, Nigel. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Happy finally has a smile on his face, and we’ll all pay. Yes, my lad, we’ll all fall to the Ringleader of the Tormentors!”

…To Be Continued…

Similar Albums:
Morrissey – You Are the Quarry
David Bowie – Heathen
Morrissey – Bona Drag

Scroll To Top